My Story: Christ Alive in Me

I honestly don’t even know how to start a post like this. Where does one begin with the story of how God of the universe, author of all things, sovereign heavenly Father, saved a wretched heart like mine? How do you even start that?

I guess, for me, it starts somewhere in the early months of 2009. And I need to pause for a moment to stress that the sharing of this story…of my story…is in no way to be told so that I may be somehow lifted up. Every single moment of my life – every triumph and trial, joy and sorrow – is perfectly orchestrated by our heavenly Father, in a way that is meant ultimately for His glory, and His glory alone. So may the name of Jesus be lifted high here in this place, woven throughout the tangled beautiful mess of my journey…

Let’s dive in. The summer of 2009 was a weird one, as I feel everyone born around 1995 would agree. We had just left the miserably awkward years of Junior High behind us and were trying to envision a way to “fit in” in the halls of High School.

I remember feeling so eager. For new friends, new dreams, new responsibilities, new beginnings. But what I didn’t know at the time was that my entire life…all I knew about love, joy, hope, dreams, and the FUTURE, was going to be a whole lot different once I left that place called High School.

High School was a turning point for me. It was in those years that I made hundreds of poor choices, developed relationships with the wrong people, and aimed to live every day for ME – my selfish self. Sure, I had a set of “good morals” always lingering in the back of my mind (thanks to my wonderful parents who instilled values in my heart that I never knew how to shake, even when I tried so hard to). BUT I CHOSE MYSELF EVERY DAY. And that was my biggest downfall.

In a nutshell, I let the influence of the world dictate my motives. I gave my heart to a man unworthy of it. I pursued friendships with people who tore me down, and tore others down too. I got caught up in the facade of it all…gilded love, false worth, and a never-ending spiral of tireless efforts to build myself up. Spoiler alert: I failed. And none of it ever satisfied me. Ever.

I am treading lightly here for a reason…it’s hard to go back to that dark place. I still often times feel guilt for the person I was before God saved me. And it’s hard, if I’m being honest, to bring it all to the surface again to share with all of you.

This self-destructive circle went on for a while. I tried so hard to “fit in” and was desperate to make toxic friendships work. And it left me feeling miserable every day. I pushed away people who genuinely cared about me, and I exhausted all efforts to be someone I wasn’t meant to be and to pursue a path that did not honor God, my family, or even myself.

The summer before my Junior Year, I jumped all into an opportunity to spend time away from home in order to escape a whole lot of heartbreak I had been going through. I packed my bags, and spent 2 weeks touring Boston University (which, fun fact, was my dream school for quite a while). The program was neat – set up to basically live like a college student for 2 weeks, with classes, roommates, and everything. I had a few roommates (all of which I am still somewhat connected with through social media…SO NEAT), but one of those girls changed my life.

One night, I poured my heart out to her – everything that had been going on back at home. I felt so freed, like a weight lifted off my shoulders, because I knew there was no way of it ever coming back home with me…I was thousands of miles away, living in a whole new world. And it felt like that breath of fresh air I had needed for so long.

And so, she cried with me, laughed with me, and opened my eyes to the bigger picture: I was a sinner, in desperate need of a SAVIOR.

On the plane ride home, I did something I hadn’t done in a long time: I opened my bible. My sweet mama had left post-it-notes on random pages with cute little notes (I doubt she even remembers this), but one of those post-it-notes led me to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (more on this later). And after wrestling with some hard truths, I knew that once that plane landed in CA, I had a whole lot of changes to make.

And it wasn’t all smooth sailing after that, let me tell you. It was a bumpy road. A whole lot of heartbreak, confusion, frustration, and anger followed. It wasn’t an over-night transformation, no. It took years. And my heart is still being transformed to this day. But my oh my am I thankful for our persistent Father who loves without condition.

I also want to pause for a moment to say…I know it all sounds a bit melodramatic. High School is always painted as that weird time where so much drama consumes our lives, and everything feels like the end of the world. And we are so young during those years. So young, in fact, that I sometimes even feel silly to say out loud some of the things I was struggling with. But it is hard, my friends, to chase after a life so empty. It is hard to be 14, 15, 16 years old trying to piece together who you want to be when you are running away from God. It is DRAMATIC, because it leads to self-destruction. No matter how old you are…it always leads to disappointment and so much destruction.

I eventually graduated High School, left everything behind me, and got plugged into the college ministry at my church (where I soon met the love of my life, by the way). When I got baptized later that year, I wrote a summary of my journey. And I feel that in so many ways, it says it best. So I want to give credit to this story with what I wrote then. Because when I spoke these words in front of my church family, I had just left High School – the years where everything changed. So I feel it fitting to include that here, with what I felt on that very day at 18 years old, having been so close to it all:

“I am a sinner. My heart’s greatest conviction, however, lies in the fact that God’s greatest love is abundantly echoing off the corners of my soul despite my constant tendency to sin. Just like every other human being on this earth, I have suffered from the consequence of sin and I have struggled with the impact of this world’s lingering brokenness. Throughout High School, I encountered a number of tribulations that overall shaped the woman I am today. A couple of years ago, I was in a place in my life where my faith in God was faltering. And it was during a very humbling moment when I opened my bible on a plane ride home from a trip to Boston that I realized I wasn’t living my life sold out for the Lord. One verse that stood out to me in particular was 2 Corinthians 12:9 which reads, ‘my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ My life changed that day…that moment when I came to the utter realization that my life is not in fact for me. And the passions of my heart are of no resemblance to the passion Christ has for His children. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but my soul is completely and utterly satisfied knowing that I have a Father who is…a Father whose love never fails. A Father who sent his son to take on the punishment I deserve so that I could be reconciled to Him. Among everything I have learned in the 18 years of my life, I believe now that the core of my existence dwells in the perfect and pure awareness of God’s everlasting love and irreplaceable grace. And so, I stand here before all of you today with no greater desire than to profess my undeniable faith in a way that reflects my understanding that I am dead in this world, but born again and alive through Jesus Christ.”

Reading this again brings tears to my eyes. For so many reasons, but one of the greatest being that I remember what it felt like…to finally rid of my past self and start over again. My goodness, what a feeling. And also because God has brought me a long way from that 18 year old girl who wrote this. I have learned so much about the nature of God’s grace, and as the years have gone on, I have looked back at my past with so many different sets of eyes.

Where I wrote, “I was in a place in my life where my faith in God was faltering” I would now write: “Selfishness was the path I had chosen. I was not saved. My faith was not faltering…I had no faith.” Because I didn’t.

A truly saved believer does not “walk away from the faith.” If they do, they were never saved. And so I believe I never was, growing up. Even though I was raised in a loving Christian home, I never surrendered my life to Jesus until that summer on the plane ride home.

And I am reminded here of Galatians 2:20 which so sweetly reads, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.”

Christ alive in me.

But my story doesn’t end here. Like I said before, the process of sanctification is an ever-evolving, constantly moving, process. God is sanctifying my heart today, just as much as He was all those years ago.

And of course, I owe a huge part of my story to my wonderful husband, whom God brought into my life at the perfect moment. I am so undeserved of the love he shows me, leading my heart closer to Christ daily. I feel, in so many ways, that James is an earthly reminder of the heavenly treasures that are to come. Walking hand in hand with him through my pursuit of holiness has been one of God’s sweetest blessings and without his leadership in my life, I doubt I would be half the woman I am today.

Above all, and to conclude, my heart is overflowing with thankfulness for the sovereignty of our great God who, in all His love and mercy, decided to save a wretched sinner like me. His perfectly orchestrated plan for my life, made known before the foundations of the world, is a journey I will wear proudly on my sleeve for the rest of my days.

So this is my story…HIS STORY…of a sinner made worthy in the eyes of our KING.